Let’s Just Get Rid of Florida Already

Oct 30

The question of the day: Would anyone really care if Florida just fell off from the continental United States and disappeared into the ocean? I know I wouldn’t be particularly concerned. As far as states go, Florida is just about the worst. I wish we could call on our Georgia attorneys to simply go to court and get a divorce and never have to see Florida again or deal with their shenanigans, but then again, it’s Florida, and I suppose there’s some advantage to keeping them around to be the butt of every joke.

The best thing to ever come out of Florida is I-75. As far as I know, all they have is alligators and swamps that always flood, and you couldn’t give me anything that would convince me to move from Georgia to Florida. We’ve got it made in the shade here, and I love Georgia.

Georgia was founded in 1732 as a place for debtors to get a fresh and fair start. Everything cooks under the sunny Southern sky, and this land is full of magic. We have the sweetest Vidalia onions in the world, and we produce the most pecans than any other state. There is nothing better than grandma’s pecan pie after a Thanksgiving feast! You can go outside and breathe the same fresh air that supported the birth of the Civil Rights Movement, right here in Atlanta, and Martin Luther King Jr.’s house is still on Auburn Avenue.

If you like golf, we’ve got that too. Every year, the Masters Tournament is played at the Augusta National Golf Club, after the course was denied hosting the US Open. Around here, if we run into obstacles, we don’t give up. We’ll figure out a solution and work hard to resolve the issue.

Florida is the kind of state where Sharknado could actually happen. For some reason, everyone seems to dump their non-native species in Florida and the state has a huge problem with invasive creatures. You would think there are enough alligators down there to eat up all the problems, but it doesn’t work like that. Fully grown boas and pythons dwell in the murky landscapes surrounding local cities, and lately, giant African land snails have taken over the place, eating houses and spreading parasites like rat lungworm. Poisonous lionfish and Cuban tree frogs are common throughout the state, and there just isn’t as much natural beauty in a place like Florida compared to Georgia.

Georgia has its fair share of ridiculous laws, like taking away the license of a funeral director for using obscene language in the presence of a corpse. We’ve also got some weird natural phenomenon. Stone Mountain is the world’s largest piece of granite that has been exposed to the surface of the earth, and little pockets in the stone have created a habitat for shrimp nearly 1,683 feet above sea level. Don’t ask me how they got there, but at least you don’t see Georgia with enormous four-foot long black spinytail iguanas running all over the place, like Florida. If only our two states could handle this amicably and part ways… Oh well.

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